so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
