Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My balls are so social today.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
