i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
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