Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You made out with two different species that night
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize