he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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