Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
