first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
