help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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