she was so not down for the gang bang
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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