please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
