The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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