Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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