I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
