If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
