I wish my penis had an off switch
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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