Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
