Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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