I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
