i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
