yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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