I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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