you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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