I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize