just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
