I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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