Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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