how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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