I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
well you can't waste a boner
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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