everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
