I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
