got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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