How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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