Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
