note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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