you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize