why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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