My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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