I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
