I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
