I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Did you just see the Batmobile???
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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