I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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