I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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