Pappa wants mamma naked
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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