I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
