The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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