Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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