in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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