I'm so fucking centered right now
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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