Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize