she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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