I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
