they said they heard you say put it in my butt
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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