I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
