talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize