if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
