genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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